“You guys I figured it out. I’ve been thinking and I figured it out. You can only go to Heaven if you stand on the cliffy side of trees or if you touch somethings sharp! Right?”     Sawyer, 2/1/2016

My sweetest boy,

Your heart break is breaking my heart in ways I didn’t know it could.   The sadness radiates off you, even when you’re happy. I don’t know how to help you process the loss of Cabin Grandpa. I can’t believe I even am writing this…. That we have even lost him seem impossible.

Your Cabin Grandpa loved you so big. In a way that still blows my mind. He was always finding ways to make you smile: catching fish, playing hide and seek with Ankie, taking you on lawnmower or four wheeler rides, hiding Grandpa candy in his shirt pockets for you to find, cuddling you on the couch when you were so tired and couldn’t sleep.. until you both were sleeping. Then we’d just laugh, take a picture and cover you with a blanket.

Daddy told me about when his mom’s friend was sick and how the house was filled with sadness and felt heavy. That has stuck in my mind and I can’t imagine you having such a dark memory in your life. I don’t want it. But I know that is what this will become. A dark spot.

We have been trying to make it lighter. Going to the cabin, but you and sister both wonder where Cabin Grandpa is. Going on weekend getaways, but when you had such a cool dude like Grandpa in your life, who always stopped by just for a quick visit, or met us wherever we were going… it makes his absence so big.

I know that since you are only four, your memories will be what we share with you. But I have to tell you, there are no bad memories. We aren’t leaving out anything to share him in a special light. He just was special. Every memory is amazing  and good and beautiful. There are no bad. So never think that.

Here is one of my favorite memories from last summer: Cabin Grandpa was stopping by every day to work on our fence (containment of you and sister and dogs). He usually came by in the afternoon, but it was a hot week so he switched to the mornings. Around 8:30 you looked out there at Grandpa (sweating away) and told me he ‘needed a beer break’. I hooked you up with a beer in your messenger bag and off you went. I could hear his surprised laugh and (even though I don’t think he wanted one) he sat  down next to you while you drank your apple juice and he had his beer in the back yard. That was just the man he was- taking a break to make you smile.

I know you are afraid of what it means to be gone. It’s a big idea and hard for even me and Daddy to understand. How can people who love us leave us? Where do they go and how do we know they get there? I hope you find the answers to this in our journey of life together. I hope you resume confidence in the idea that we will all be together for a long time. And most of all, I wish a life with less tragedy than you’ve experienced so far in your four years.

I love you so big sweet boy. And so does Daddy. And so does Cabin Grandpa watching you from Heaven.  And we will feel him all around.

Love, your sweet mama